Bolvars Folly
by Lord22
Summary: The battle at Wrathgate is about to commence, however the Lich King doesn't feel like fighting. A story of epic battles, harrowing adventures, and retcons that make the whole thing completely pointless. Chapter 8 is up. Humor fic.
1. In which an epic battle is averted

Just an idea I had. I mean really what was Bolvar planning to do if the horde didn't show up, or if the Lich King decided to play it safe and defend. It was clear that Bolvar was outnumbered and historically you cannot attack a fortress with more soldiers than you.

**Battle at Wrathgate: An alternate take**

The battle at Wrathgate was fierce. Hundreds of Argent crusaders charged forward and decended upon the ghouls that guarded the gate. Bolvar Foredragon himself led the charge, and while the Undead Vrykul put up solid resistance, the timely arrival of the horde led by Saurfang the younger forced them to retreat.

Bolvar Foredragon could not help but feel bit was too easy, after all this was one of the primary strongholds of the Lich King, and honestly he did not expect taking the outside of the gate to be a pushover. Perhaps the Lich King had some dark scheme in store. Either way one final challenge awaited them before this was over.

"Arthas!" he yelled "The thousands of innocents you have slaughtered cry out for justice. Come out and face us."

For a moment there was silence.

Then in a balcony some sixty feet above the gate a dark figure appeared, it was the Lich King. Dark energy swirled around him and the men drew back slightly.

In this case it was out of surprise not fear, primarily because he was holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee in one hand and the latest issue of the_ Lordaeron_ _times_. Also he wasn't wearing his trademark Helmet or armor. In fact he appeared to be wearing a black bathrobe.

He looked down at the army arrayed in front of him. They looked at him in confusion. He looked down with a similar expression. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Bolvar, what the hell are you doing in Northerend."

Bolvar was currently trying to come to terms with the fact that the single most evil being in Lordaeron evidently was busy having breakfast when they were attacking his fortress.

He shook away the confusion "We're here to bring you to justice for all your crimes."

"Cute really, but first tell me when you got here."

"Well… three months ago I guess. Tirion Fordring and Darion Mograin led an expedition after they defeated you at Light hopes chapel."

"I led an attack on Light hopes chapel?"

"Yes, don't tell me you forgot."

"I wouldn't forget something that major."

"Look here Arthas, you sent the Knights of the Ebon blade on a suicide mission and openly admitted to it. Then they broke free of your control, and Tirion uncorrupted the Ashbringer and used it to defeat you"

Arthas burst out laughing, it was not an evil laugh, rather the laugh of someone who has heard the funniest joke in the world.

"You think-" he laughed again "that a loser like Tirion Fordrinng could hurt me." more laughter "Seriously, even with the Ashbringer, the man did nothing of note in the Second war and spent the entire Third war hiding under a bed. There is no way I could possibly lose to him. He obviously fought one of my lieutenants."

"We all saw you retreat after being hit with the Ashbringer."

"Nonsense I'm invincable to losers like Tirion."

"Your in denial aren't you."

"You would be too if blizzard was completely nerfing your skills as a general."

"Look we don't care about any of that just get down here so we can fight you."

"No."

"Why not."

"Well to be perfectly honest I could wipe out your entire army with a few ghouls and some meat wagons, I did it to Uther after all, but the fact is your just not worth it."

Now that hurt, it is one thing to be told that by a hulking seven foot tall ultimate evil, but a guy in his bathrobe saying he couldn't be bothered to even attack you is very insulting.

"You coward!" The line was a touch generic perhaps but it was all he could think of on the spot

Arthas laughed

"Oh come on Bolvar don't take it so personally, its just there is no tactical reason I need fight you at this point, your entire strategy is based around me charging out to attack you, but the fact is I don't need to. You have no siege equipment and even with it you couldn't possibly hope to storm this castle."

"Well…" Bolvar hesitated "we'll lay siege."

"Yeah maybe that would work. Oh wait the only people in this castle who need to actually eat are the Alliance and Horde Prisoners. Not to mention I have subterranean tunnels all over the continent. In short you can't do anything to even create a minor inconvenience for me much less actually hurt me from this position."

The Alliance army looked rather less enthusiastic than before.

"We'll assault the walls with ladders then."

"Yeah, right your going to defeat my fortress filled with thousands of ghouls, necromancers and crypt fiends with a couple hundred Paladins and a gnome mage or two. Does the word suicide mean anything to you.

Bolvar considered the situation "Well… shit."

"Glad you see it my way, you have five minutes to get off campus before I release the Frostwyrms to freeze you from the air."

That was enough for Bolvar, time to cut his losses. "Alright men we made a tactical error here, we're pulling out."

"Sir" said one of the Argent crusade "With all due respect we came all this way, I don't think we should…"

"Undead Dragons, freezing death, we don't have bows." said Bolvar.

"…stay here much longer. You heard him men lets get out of here."

The Argent crusade began an orderly retreat.

"Time up!" Arthas called

The result was something between a complete route and a comedy of errors as the argent crusade broke into a complete flat out run. Dwarves and gnomes being run over by humans and anyone else who was more than five feet tall.

Bolvar was the only one who looked at his watch, and thus was the only member to realize that five minutes was hardly up.

"Another glorious victory for the Argent Crusade, at this rate you'll win the war in no time."

"Shut up Arthas."

Despite being made a fool of Bolvar couldn't shake the feeling that Arthas had somehow narrowly averted a complete disaster.

"Probably nothing" muttered Bolvar.

Roughly five minutes later Putress arrived with the meat wagons.

"Did you think we had forgiven did you think we had…. where the hell is everyone." said Putress.

"RAWRG" said the Frostwyrm.


	2. In which Arthas meets an old aquaintance

Him, this marks the second part of my fic. In this chapter Bolvar will be reporting his epic failure of an assault to the Alliance and Horde leaders.

Chapter Two: Aftermath

"So let me see if I have this straight," said King Varian Wryn "You took the outside of the Wrathgate, and then just left?"

"Yes, I suppose you could say that." Bolvar Fordragon replied, somewhat unsteadily.

"Not only that, but you didn't even manage to do an orderly retreat, and as a result a number of gnomes and dwarves were trampled." added Jaina Proudmoore, disapproval obvious in her tone.

"Yes that's correct." Bolvar had been dreading this interview.

"You know Bolvar, I'm not really sure you have this whole 'war' thing down." said Wrynn "You see your supposed to actually attack the enemy, not just leave as soon as you get there."

"With what? He refused to come out and fight."

"Then why didn't you assault the walls?"

"Because a certain King had all the siege equipment transferred to the 'unofficial' front."

"Hey." said Varian "The unofficial front is far more important than the northern front."

"Oh yes, because your personal vendetta against the Orcish race is totally worth taking away resources from a war against a death god who not only wishes to destroy all life on the planet but is fully capable of doing it."

"What's the unofficial front?" said Jaina.

"The war between the Alliance and Horde." said Bolvar.

"But we have a truce."

The conversation suddenly was interrupted as the corpse of an Orcish soldier was thrown into the tent.

Several more screams were heard from outside.

"No," replied Bolvar, getting out his cudgel "No, we do not."

Arthas Menethil was bored. Very bored. The sort of boredom you can only catch if your only company in a hundred miles is a large amount of animated corpses.

It had gotten to the point where he had begun playing chess against Kel'thuzad, an entirely futile practice as Kel'thuzad always let him win.

"Checkmate" said Arthas to Kel'thuzad in a bored tone.

"Well done sir I didn't see that coming."

"Yes you did." replied Arthas "

"What."

"You obviously threw the match."

"Sorry sir."

"If your that sorry you could at least try to beat me."

"Of course sir."

"Your not even listening are you."

"…If I answer that will you guarantee not to send me to my death."

"For the last time Kel'thuzad, I am not going to send any of my loyal soldiers to their death."

"What about Darion."

"Darion was a fool who I was hoping to get killed fighting the Alliance, so that the people who actually did something of note in the third war would get a chance to shine."

"Well that plan kind of backfired."

"How so."

"Well the only thing it did was get Darion redeemed, and give Tirion Fordring a far more important role in the war effort against you." explained Kel'thuzad.

"…I don't see the connection."

"Well Tirion beat you at Light hopes chapel so-"

"Sorry Kel'thuad but I can't hear you over a the whispers of Frostmourne, do you know what it's talking about."

"No sir what."

"Demotion."

"Good point, I'll shut up now." It was times like this that Kel'thuzad wondered if he was really on the right side, of course Arthas was a brilliant leader, but he had one fatal weakness, he took the lore seriously.

His logic actually made sense, Arthas had killed Uther, the most powerful Paladin ever when he was far weaker than he was now, so logically Tirion should have been a pushover. Of course logically Kael'thas could not have made the jump from well intentioned extremist to a cackling moron who wanted to summon Kiljaeden without significant character development.

Logically the Lich King's forces should have wiped the floor with any attempt to invade northrend.

Logically the very idea of a space fairing race of goat people, who were related to Archimond and weren't inherently evil was the stupidest concept in the universe.

"Yes, I get it!" said Arthas in an annoyed tone "The universe is an inconsistent place full of morons who have nothing better to do than claim that they were related to Archimond, despite the fact that they are human sized and Archimond is sixty feet tall."

"Yes sir but…"

"I mean come on, Kil'jaeden and Archimond are the physical representation of evil. They corrupted Sagaras for crying out loud."

"Actually, sir, it's been revealed that-"

"They corrupted Sargearas! I don't give a damn what that idiot Velen says, he is not best friends with Kiljaeden, and I'll kill anyone who say's otherwise."

"Of course, sir."

"…and he's not his Arch-nemesis either. That title belongs to me."

"Sir with all due respect…"

"Tell me Kel'thuzad, who was it who arranged the death of Tichondrius? Me! Who was it who scared his lieutenants so much that they ran away when they out numbered me three to one! ME! Velen hasn't done a damn thing since he got to this world. Just acted pretentious and talked about how he had tea with Sargearas a few eons ago!"

"Well he did restore the Sunwell." said Kel'thuzas.

"What the-" said Arthas, taking pause for a moment at the incredulity of such a statement, "How the hell could he do that, last time I checked I pretty much cleaned all the power out of it when I resurrected you!"

Kel'thuzad decided to explain before Arthas destroyed the fortress "Well, you see, when you destroyed the Sunwell, one of Queen Alexstranza's consorts got bored one day and decided to put in all of the Sunwells energies into a human body to create a girl called Anveena, but then some elven loser called Dark Ann or something like that tried to take her powers for himself, and proceeded to beat up a bunch of other losers, one of whom wants vengeance on you."

"This sounds like something out of a filler arc in a bad TV show." commented Arthas in an bored tone.

"Anyway, after Dark Ann killed one of the losers and beat up the rest. Anveena realized that since she had you know, all the powers of the Sunwell, she would be able to turn an elven mage of no real note into dust in seconds. So she did. Oh and Sylvanas was there."

"Why didn't you mention that before?"

"Well she didn't really do much, just shot a few arrows and failed miserably to do anything useful."

"That's a surprise," said Arthas sarcastically, adding, "Ever since that time she ambushed me she's done nothing but strut around in her underwear."

If Kel'thuzad had lips he would have smirked.

"Yes well anyway. Anveena and the other losers then sat around for a few years until one of the three remaining losers got possessed and the others went off to Northrend to fight you. Then Kael'thas turned evil, captured Anveena and used her to summon Kil'jaeden, or something like that."

"I take it back, this sounds like a filler arc in a bad fanfic."

"Then the possessed loser who is a dragon of no real importance, got freed from the mind control. Anveena sacrificed herself in a rather cliché manner to drive Kil'jaden back to the twisting nether. The Dragon loser went all emo, and Valen restored the sunwell, oh and then there was something about a Light spirit or something like that, which the blood elves sapped power from, I don't really know, I stopped paying attention at that point."

"I don't blame you." said Arthas, then he paused for a moment. "Wait a minute, how could Anveena have the power of the Sunwell, you have it, what would be the point of invading Quel'thalas if we didn't get any benefit from it?"

"I dunno, maybe Tichondrius was just screwing with you."

"Oh come on, as if Tichondrius, leader of the dread lords, would risk the entire invasion of Azeroth just to waste my time."

Silence.

"Damn it! Tichondrius would do that wouldn't he?" said Arthas angrily.

"Yes, yes he would." said Kel'thuzad "He was kind of a jerk like that."

"Tell me about it." said Arthas "remember that time when we had just gone through hell summoning Archimond, while he sat back and drank martini's. Then he had the nerve to walk off our army without so much as a by your leave."

"Yeah, and remember that Mal'ganis guy?" said Kel'thuzad.

"Well actually no, I was kind of a good guy at the time so my only interaction with him was stabbing him repeatedly."

"Well he was a real jerk. I mean, he didn't even ask me if I was okay with dieing for the cause on the off chance that you'd turn evil and resurrect me, he just informed me of it two seconds before you charged into my base." said Kel'thuzad angrily.

"You know" said Arthas "I usually try to hate all life equally, but I have to say, it makes me really happy that both of them are dead."

"Right" said Kel'thuzad "It sure is nice to know that they couldn't come back through some extremely contrived means to haunt us."

"You said it, Kel."

Suddenly a green portal appeared and a dreadlord came forth from it, flames licked up around a dark figure.

"So, young prince" said Mal'ganis in his baritone voice "I have returned to life to avenge my innumerable grievances upon you."

"Bloody retcons." muttered Arthas.

It had not been a fun afternoon for the leaders of the Alliance, three more riots had broken out before they had finally got the Alliance and horde settled.

"Now do you see why I insist on the Unofficial front being well manned, the horde are savage beasts that must be cleansed." said Varian while nursing a black eye where an orc had punched him.

Bolvar sighed "Yes and while we're at it lets ignore the Ultimate evil right on our doorstep, and attack the Horde while they are busy."

"Good thinking Bolvar, I'll give the order immediately."

"NO, WAIT!" exclaimed Bolvar quickly.

"Why?" said Varian.

Bolvar struggled to find a reason that Varian would expect "Thrall is really cunning he would expect that, we should, uh, lull him into a false sense of security before we attack."

There was silence as Varian contemplated the idea of delaying genocide.

"Good thinking Bolvar, it's good to know I have such a commited general."

"Yes sir." said Bolvar, sighing in defeat.

Jaina Proudmoore was annoyed. It wasn't that there had been a war going on and no one told her that bothered her. Well actually that did bother her, but she could handle bad information sources. No what bothered her was that she had been chosen as the one who had to tell Garrosh Hellscream about the disaster at Wrathgate.

Normally they would have sent Saurfang, but he had had to be shipped off of Northrend, after he got so sick of Garrosh that he had borrowed a pistol from a dwarf, and shot himself in the left kidney just so he could go home. Meanwhile Thrall had found a pressing errand that simply could not wait. So now it was her turn.

She walked in.

"How dare you walk into my tent without my permission you Alliance piece of trash." said Garrosh a red skinned orc as he was sitting at a table.

Well at least she had caught him in a good mood. Honestly people like Garrosh were what sometimes made her regret not helping her father wipe out the orcs.

"You realize, Garrosh, that I outrank you."

"Ridiculous human woman, your arrogance knows no bounds."

"Look here Garrosh." she said angry already "I am the ruler of an entire island, you are a lieutenant of a Warchief, and not a very good one."

"It doesn't matter how many countries you rule, yours is a race of weaklings."

"Really, then. why did we win the second war?"

"We were at a disadvantage, and you humans used your ships to cowardly defeat us."

"Disadvantage… you had the red and black dragon flights at your disposal!"

"We merely used the resources at hand!"

"…I'm not going to go into what wrong with your logic, and just tell you that the attack on Wrathgate was a failure."

"I told you your entire race was pathetic, you could never stand a chance against a worthy foe."

"You do realize that Arthas is human."

"Your sheer idiocy is amazing what does your ex boyfriend have to do with the Lich King."

"My boyfriend is the Lich King you idiot!" she almost yelled.

"No he's not."

"Oh really, then who is pray tell?" she said, wondering how anyone could be this stupid.

"Ner'zhul."

"Look you simpleton, Arthas destroyed Ner'zhul, it's been established."

"Those were unreliable sources."

"Unreliable… that was the entire point of Arthas: Rise of the Lich King, I mean do you really think people read that book to watch Arthas and me have a snowball fight? The question of who he Lich King really was answered in it. Conclusively at that, so tell me, what evidence do you have that the Lich King is Ner'zhul."

"Well humans are weak and Orcs are the master race so it's only natural that Ner'zhul would triumph over a weakling like Arthas."

"Ah, the same weakling that destroyed Lordaeron, Qual'thalas, set in motion the burning legion invasion, and overall did more damage in three months, than Death Wing could do in Ten thousand years." said Jaina, knowing that trying to explain to this idiot that the Orcs were not in fact the most powerful beings in the universe was a fruitless effort.

"That proves nothing, all his opponents were weaklings."

"Weaklings… He killed a forgotten one."

"What of it."

"He was in vastly weakened state, and it had when it had an Army of Eldritch abominations at it's call."

"Hah, such a puny feat could be easily be duplicated by any orc."

Something in Jaina snapped "Okay, that's it, All I was trying to do was inform you of how the war was going, a service I had to be drafted into, because you consistently insult and abuse anyone who tries to talk to you about anything, I've given the damn message, and I've had enough of your stupidity so I'm leaving now, goodbye."

"Foolish woman your-" Garrosh was suddenly muted as Jaina snapped her fingers cast a sound proof force shield around tent as she left.

He started yelling insults. Oblivous to the fact that she couldn't hear him.

Jaina surveyed the scene as she cast her teleport spell. I left my studies in Theramore for this.

Anyway that's it for chapter two, just so you know, Bolvar, while still being in the fic, will not be the main character. Not that I have anything against him as a character. I just don't have enough of a feel for his personality. Oh and the alliance and horde leaders will be wherever I need them. Sorry for all the Italics and underlining I just found out about it.


	3. In which Sylvanas makes a battleplan

Note: I do not know much about Darions personality, I was never good at WOW, and I never set foot in Northrend. Also for the purposes of this story, the Alliance and Horde leaders are wherever they need to be at the start. Most are at Northrend, but some may be elsewhere.

Please note that I am writing this fic for fun. Not to make the next Lelouch of Brittannia. Please review.

**Chapter Three: Best. Battle Plan. Ever**

Varimethas was seriously considering switching jobs. It wasn't the discrimination in the workplace. For all their talk of redeeming the fallen, it seemed that if you had bat wings and horns you were automatically irredeemable. Unless you were Illidan Stormrage that is, but then last he had heard, Illidan had been murdered in what amounted to little more than a land grab on the part of the Alliance and Horde, so maybe not.

That wasn't the problem, discrimination he could handle. What he couldn't handle was the fact that he thought someone in his workplace was trying to kill him.

It started with then arsenic in his tea. Considering the fact that it was a common flavoring in dread lord tea he hadn't thought much of it.

Then when he was suddenly sent to the lower levels of the undercity for a meeting, and the whole place suddenly, flooded with acid. Luckily as a Dreadlord he could teleport at will, so he escaped. A couple hundred forsaken were not so lucky.

Of course while suspicious, that still didn't prove anything. Once a bunch of men with crowbars tried {and failed miserably} to kill him, he came to the conclusion that someone was out to get him. Someone with a spectacularly low IQ. That left pretty much everyone in the forsaken city except himself and Sylvanas as suspects. Sylvanas was too smart for such mediocre attempts at assassination, besides he had been a loyal subject to her for years. She wouldn't betray him without reason.

He thought of what he knew of Sylvanas Windrunner.

Scratch that, she would certainly betray him without reason, and come to think of it, she was just self absorbed enough to think crowbars would work against a demon who had seen the burning of dozens of worlds.

Yet even Sylvanas wouldn't murder someone without at least some motive.

Three hours later, in the forsaken command tent, Varimethas was reconsidering her as a suspect.

"Talk criminal scum!" yelled Sylvanas at Putress.

"Milady I…" began Putress.

"Shut up traitor" She yelled again "by murdering Bolvar, you have completely ruined our public relations with the Horde and Alliance."

"But you told us-" began Varimethas

"Lies!" said Sylvanas "how dare you accuse me of being involved in the murder of an entire combined Alliance and Horde army with masterful timing and completely logical reasons for doing so."

Putress sighed. This was fairly standard. Sylvanas amused herself mostly by random acts of treachery, and by framing said treachery on someone else.

In fact it was fairly routine at this point. She had had absolutely no logical motive to attack the alliance and horde, but since she hadn't made any headway in her war on Arthas, and hadn't betrayed anyone in a few years she wanted to do something dramatic. From the looks of things she had been planning a double betrayal.

Putress got up "Look the army wasn't-"

"In shall not listen to any more of this begone or-"

"We failed in our mission!"

"What?"

"Bolvar is still alive and Drenosh Saurfang… well honestly no one cared enough to keep track of him."

"Who's the hell is Drenosh Saurfang."

"Exactly."

"Well in any case, why didn't you attack the Lich King while he was in the field."

"Well…"

"Well what." said Sylvanas pulling out a knife.

"He didn't fight Bolvar." Putress said quickly "He just refused to attack him, said something about having no tactical reason to do so. Bolvar couldn't assault the walls so he left, then Arthas had his Frostwyrms destroy my army."

"Refused to fight a force that was absolutely incapable of assailing his fortress or starving him out." said Sylvanas thoughtfully "Diabolical! Arthas is clearly a far more cunning than we thought."

"Really it seemed fairly elementary to me." said Putress.

"Nonsense, we are clearly dealing with a tactical genius."

"No, no we are not." said Varimethas.

"This calls for a far more hands on approach."

"What would that be Milady." said Varimethas barely containing the sarcasm in his voice

"I will take my ten best soldiers, grab an airship. and attack the Lich King's Frozen halls directly." Sylvanas said as if she was talking about the weather.

"What then?" asked Putress.

"Then I kill the Lich King." replied Sylvanas with a triumphant smirk.

"Wait a second, that's your plan." said Varimethas "Your going to bring ten men…"

"Yes."

"…and assault the most dangerous area's of the planet?"

"Yes."

"With the intention of assassinating the most powerful evil being on the planet? Who will only be stronger in the heart of his own power"

"Precisely."

Five minutes later Varimethas was writing an apology letter to Kel'jaeden, in which he begged him to let him back on the Nathrezim. At least some of the people there were sane.

Thrall was seriously considering switching jobs. The Horde was a paper pushers worst nightmare. Only about 2% of Orcs knew how to read, and only half of them knew how to write, and that half consisted mostly of a bunch of Warlocks who Thrall had kicked out of the horde eight years ago, and were currently working for public enemy number one, Kel'jaeden. The result was that the only Orc in the entire army who was capable of writing a letter properly was Thrall himself.

Which meant paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork. His responsibilities could not get any more annoying….

"Keeping records is a sign of weakness the Horde will crush all those who are foolish enough to do so!"

…and once again fate had conspired to prove him wrong in the most painful way possible.

"Garrosh, get out of my office." he said through grated teeth "I refuse to deal with you right now!"

"Fool! I have come here to tell you of a matter of great importance!" Thrall couldn't help but notice that Garrosh had brought at least three hundred of his followers with him, all of whom were standing behind him.

"If Varian Wrynn insulted you again, just go scream at him, I guarantee he'll commit suicide within a day."

"No" said Garrosh "That fool Jaina Proudmoore has attempted to assassinate me."

Thrall looked at him. Hard. "You beat up my guards and forced your way into my command tent for this. Jaina Proudmoore is more committed to peace then anyone I know. While killing you would normally help that cause, as you are my command staff it would mean war…"

There was a pause.

"Was I drunk when I let you into the Horde."

"Probably" said Garrosh "You wouldn't have made such a good call without the mind sharpening effects of Alcohol."

"…Very drunk." muttered Thrall under his breath while face palming.

He looked up and continued "Look Garrosh, if you agree to get out afterwards I guarantee that I will listen to whatever you have to say."

"Very well, but treachery will be met with death."

"Yeah" said Thrall at length "I'm not going to justify that with a response, anyway, how exactly did the treacherous Jaina Proudmoore try to kill you." he said with sarcasm dripping from every word.

"She came into my tent claiming to be there to deliver a message, however as she was leaving she cast a spell that sealed me within an airtight force field, in an attempt to suffocate me."

"…How exactly did you survive." said Thrall.

"I in my superior strength do not require oxygen to live." said Garrosh proudly "I simply waited out the six hour time limit."

"…Right" said Thrall "Well, thank you for this 'information' Garrosh, will look into it." He turned back to his paperwork.

Garrosh remained were he was.

"Why are you still here." said Thrall after a few moments.

"I don't trust you." replied Garrosh "paperwork is a sign of weakness."

"Look Garrosh, if I don't get this paperwork done, the army will not get paid. If that happens, eventually our military will fall apart." Thrall said as if explaining something to a rude child "If that happens, the Lich King will probably win and wipe out all life one the planet. All because you wouldn't leave my office and go bother someone else."

"The Horde will trample over the Alliance. None can stand against the Horde."

There was silence.

"What the **hell **did that have to do with what I just said." Thrall replied in rather loudly.

"Nothing specific, I just find that argument fits most situations."

Thralls eyebrow twitched "Get the hell out of my office!

"Needing shelter is a sign of…"

"**GET OUT!"**

"Now then Bolvar perhaps we can start this debriefing off simply enough." said Tirion Fordring inside his command tent "What went wrong with the Siege of Wrathgate!"

"What went wrong?" said furiously "Maybe the fact that I was told to attack a fortress with a larger defensive force than I had to attack with."

Darion scoffed "Is that all, you were outnumbered and outgunned and the enemy had a superior defensive position and you decided to _retreat_."

Tirion sighed "I am forced to agree with Darion, your decision did not make tactical sense."

"Didn't make- it's basic math, if an opponent is superior in numbers, position, and firepower, you fight another day! Hell I didn't even have siege equipment, what did you expect me to do, hack down the walls of Wrathgate with my sword!" said Bolvar, practically yelling.

"That's strategy has always worked for me in the past." said Darion smugly

"…What?" said Tirion.

"Well you see my army consists entirely Death Knight Badasses who possess rune blades with similar cutting power to Frostmourne. I suppose a 'normal' group of soldiers would require siege equipment, but we do not."

"That's true, if you replace the 'Badass' part with whiny arrogant losers." said Bolvar somewhat annoyed by what Darion was implying.

"What did you just say." said Darion in a putting his hand to his sword.

Bolvar decided to be completely honest "Well lets face it Darion, aside from you, the Death knights are all completely useless. I mean here we are fighting a war against an army with nary a single living creature in it, and what abilities are they offering. Death magic, that's about it."

"Death coil is a very effective spell." said Darion defensively

"Yes but it only affects living targets." pointed out Tirion.

"So basically what they've done so far is increase our ability to kill **each other** rather than the actual enemy." said Bolvar.

"Hey don't insult them, they have decided to help you fight the Lich King, give credit where credit is due." Darion replied now angry.

Bolvar laughed "Please, all they **do **is sit around camp all day and angst about things that couldn't possibly be true. Just the other day I saw one claiming to be the **half vampire son of illidan**."

There was silence.

Tirion shuddered "How is that even possible."

"I didn't even know vampires existed in Azeroth." Bolvar said.

"They don't, as a Holy warrior I should know." said Tirion.

"You know a thought just occurred to me." said Bolvar "What if Arthas never really lost control of the Death Knights, and just sent them to die in an attempt to stop their ceaseless bitching."

"Now that just isn't fair." said Darion feeling obligated to defend his fellow Knights of the Ebon blade. "You would angst too if you were consistently being discriminated against because of their profession."

"Actually Darion I'm pretty sure they are discriminated against because they used to commit genocide daily." said Tirion "Half of them don't even care about justice, they just want revenge for him betraying them."

"…Didn't they betray him." said Bolvar "I mean, I know he sent them to die, but if you think about it he does that to every part of his army."

"Good point" said Tirion "So they want revenge on him because they betrayed him."

"Not exactly logical."

"Tirion…" growled Darion in rage.

Tirion looked at Darion "Don't worry, we like you Darion, it's not your fault your entire army consists of whiny inconsistent losers with no real skills to contribute to our cause."

"Shut up!" yelled Darion "Do you have any idea how sick I am of your bullshit! "Oh the Light this, the Light that, your use of unholy powers is unnecessary." You think that just because you beat Arthas in one fight your better than me. Well do you know why you beat him. Was it because of your precious Light. No! It was because I gave you the Ashbringer! If it hadn't been for me Arthas would have turned you into Paladin shish kabob."

He turned to Bolvar.

"and you! You have some nerve talking to me as if my soldiers suck when Arthas defeated yours without lifting a finger."

"For the last time, I had no siege equipment. What was I supposed to do, pelt pebbles at it until the walls fell down."

"If that's what was necessary yes, a true soldiers never retreats except when he is ordered, I mean come on, the Knights of the Ebon blade could have taken that fortress in no time."

Bolvar narrowed his eyes "Okay prove it then."

"Fine" said Darion "I will, but if I suceed you have to admit that the death knights are the strongest fighting force in the Argent crusade."

"Alright" said Bolvar "but if I'm right, and you fail miserably, then you have to punch Varian Wrynn in the face."

There was silence.

"What" said Bolvar "I'm sick of him connecting every single problem in the world to the horde, I'd do it myself but I kind of took an oath that prohibits such things. Darion's from Lordaeron, so he has no actual restrictions in that regard."

"He can't be that bad." said Tirion

**Meanwhile in the Kings tent…**

"King Varian, there's been an avalanche that will slow down the supply train."

"Curses, the Horde's treachery knows no bounds."

"Sir, the men are complaining about the fact that they do not have warm enough clothing."

"The Horde must have stolen all the winter socks."

"King Varian, I'm sorry but we've run out of coffee."

"**DAMN YOU GARROSH HELLSCREAM!**"

**And now back to Bolvar and co.**

"Yes, yes it can." replied Bolvar.

"Fine" said Darion "I agree. If I fail I will punch Varian Wrynn in the face."

"Great," said Bolvar "Now if you'll excuse me I need to go make sure the King isn't doing something stupid."

"…an then I said 'we may never know Uther, I intend to live forever." said Arthas to Mal'ganis over cups of ale.

"That is a pretty badass one liner." Mal'ganis admitted between swigs "much better than anything I could come up with. One liners aren't really my specialty, I'm much better at pre-made speeches."

"Still" said Arthas "The lines I heard from you, back during my invasion of nrothrend were brilliant, the perfect combination of taunting and arrogance, if anyone else had said them, I might not have gone insane with rage and murdered everything I ever knew and loved."

"Well I don't like to brag but I have always had a talent for theatrical."

"Hey how would you like to come work for me, I've been looking to expand into demonic armies."

"Well if I do that it will probably piss off Tichondrius, and enrage Kel'jaen.. So I'm all for it, how are your hours."

"Twenty four seven."

"Dental"

"Nonexistant"

"Benefits."

"Does letting you live count."

"What are your objectives."

"Honestly, I figure I'll screw with, humiliate and put down people who annoy me, then I'll wing it."

"Sounds fun, I'm in."

**Authors notes:**

Yes I have absolutely no respect for the death knight class, thanks for asking. Oh and that Half Vampire son of Illidan thing. That was an actual player's back-story.


	4. In which expectations are fulfilled

**Chapter Four: Riddles and Retcons**

Jaina looked at Putress with a raised eyebrow.

To say he was looking worse for wear would be an understatement. He had been engulfed in the breath of a Frost Wyrm, then beaten by Sylvanas for obeying orders, and finally beaten again for failing to complete said orders.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about Putress?" she asked.

Putress paused. He was taking a huge risk by doing this, Sylvanas would have him tortured to death if she found out. Then again it was probably better to die an excruciatingly painful death than to work under Sylvanas for a couple more centuries.

"I wanted to talk to you about Sylvanas Windrunner."

"What about her?" replied Jaina.

"She was responsible for the disaster at Wrathgate."

"Don't you mean the anticlimax at Wrathgate, and in any case I don't see any connection."

"No that's not what I meant. When my unit was went to Wrathgate it wasn't to reinforce Bolvar, it was to murder him and Drenosh Saurfang."

"Who the hell is Drenosh Saurfang?"

"I don't know, no one tells me anything! The orders just said to murder them and their soldiers at Wrathgate. Thing is Arthas sent them running before I arrived and I got ambushed by Frostwyrms."

"Well that certainly seems like something Arthas would do." Jaina said "He is far smarter than anyone on the good guys side after all."

"Uh, anyway." said Putress "Sylvanas Windrunner is a traitor to both the Alliance and the Horde."

"Oh, okay." said Jaina in a completely normal voice.

Putress looked at her incredulously"Aren't you surprised."

"Of course not" replied Jaina "Her first act as queen of Lordaeron was to slaughter an entire alliance army. She's blatantly unstable, and she clearly despises Arthas a bit more than is entirely healthy. Oh and she also hired a Demon as her second in command."

"Wait, so if you knew she was a traitor why haven't you reported to somebody."

"Three reasons, firstly Varian Wrynn is an idiot. Secondly Garrosh Hellscream is an idiot. Thirdly, I support peace, giving those idiots an excuse to wail on one another is not on my to do list."

"That is… a fairly good point." said Putress "Then perhaps you should act on your own."

"Of course!" said Jaina "That's it, I'll lead an expedition into Icecrown to redeem Arthas, then he can replace Varian as faction leader, and we can live happily ever after."

"…I hate everyone." said Putress in a resigned tone.

**Meanwhile back Wrathgate**

The second battle for Wrathgate had begun, Darion Mograines death Knights were currently scaling the walls with their absurdly sharp rune blades. So far the

"Sir." said Kel'thuzad "I think the Knights of Ebon Blade are attacking us."

"Oh." said Arthas, looking up from where he and Mal'ganis were having tea and biscuits. "Well, tell me if someone who is actually a threat show."

"Wait." said Mal'ganis "Isn't that that order of Death Knights who betrayed you."

"Obviously someone has been reading too much Argent crusade propaganda." replied Arthas. "They talk as if I betrayed them, but I didn't. I treat all my soldiers as equally expendable pawns in my wars. The Death Knights wanted special treatment, and I refused to give it to them."

"I know what you mean." said Mal'ganis "You have to remain consistant. If you admit one faction has human rights, then next thing you know, everyone will be demanding retirement packages."

"I'm not so sure." said Kel'thuzad "I mean, I understand the need to treat all the new guys as expendable, but seniority should be respected. It just wouldn't be fair to the long term servants of the forces of Darkness fired on a whim."

"I'm afraid I can't agree." said Mal'ganis "No offense Kel'thuzad, but Lich's live forever. Just think what would happen if none of the senior Lich's could be sent to their certain doom. There would be no room for advancement in the ranks. We need room for the next generation of Tyrants."

"That is the purpose of an ever expanding empire." shot back Kel'thuzad "That way the number of open positions is proportionate to our number of new recruits."

Suddenly there was a great clamor as the Ebon blade successfully hacked down the gate to Wrathgate.

"Hmm" said Kel'thuzad "I think I ought to go deal with this."

"Need any help." offered Mal'ganis.

"Nah." said Kel'thuzad "I can take them, it isn't as though they are actually a threat." and with that he teleported away to directly in front of the Knights of the Ebon Blade.

Darion Mograine looked upon the figure before him with utter hatred "Kel'thuzad." he said "The time has come to settle the score between us."

"Actually" said Kel'thuzad "I think the time has come to settle the score with your whole damn order. I will kill you all by myself."

"You think you can defeat all of us at once." said Mograine, noting the thousands of Death Knights and the fact that Kel'thuzad was alone. "You overconfidence is your weakness."

"Your faith in your class is yours." replied Kel'thuzad evenly "However, I am not just going to defeat your entire army, I'm going to do it with only two spells."

There was silence for a moment.

"…are you really that stupid to think you can kill all of us." said Darion.

"No" said Kel'thuzad. "Your just that pathetic."

"Fine." said Darion "Let's see this awesome two spell combo."

"Certainly." said Kel'thuzad. Then suddenly he raised his skeletal arms, casting a summoning spell. Suddenly, Kel'thuzad was surrounded by very confused looking Death Knights.

"…What did you just do?" asked Darion.

"Oh." said Kel'thuzad "I used a spell to summon every single member of the Ebon blade to my location."

"So your method of beating us, is to bring us all into melee range." said Darion skeptically.

"Correct." said Kel'thuzad, before raising one skeletal hand "Mass Teleport."

Then they were suddenly falling through the sky.

"What did you do, Lich!" said Darion "What sorcery is this."

"It's a mass teleport spell." replied Kel'thuzad.

"Where are we!"

"Well, if I had a guess." said Kel'thuzad "I'd say we're about 20'000 feet over the dagger cap bay."

"What!" said Darion.

"Ring of levitation." said Kel'thuzad smugly, before stopping as Darion kept falling.

"What?" said Darion "Oh… Son of a bi-"

**Meanwhile in the Camp of Warchief Thrall:**

Thrall was busy with doing the paperwork for every orc in the universe when a messenger arrived. "Warchief! I come bearing a message about Varok Saurfang!"

"I see." said Thrall "Hand it over."

He took the message and read.

_Dear Thrall_

_I am pleased to report that Saurfang should be able to return to the front soon enough. He has almost fully recovered and will soon be able to fight once more._

_Sincerely, Chad the physician._

_P.S. I have looked at the records, and they show that there is someone called Drenosh Saurfang with you. We would very much appreciate any information on who this person is. Varok doesn't recognize the name either._

"Finally!" said Thrall "Things are looking up! Now I can get someone else to deal with that idiot Hellscream and get this army moving again."

He had just began to write to Chad the Physician to inform him that, no he did not know who this Drenosh Saurfang person was, but he would keep his eyes open, when another messenger arrived.

"Warchief!" said the messenger "Another message from Varok Saurfang! It arrived on a ship five minutes after the last one."

Wordlessly Thrall took it and looked at it.

_Dear Thrall_

…_Nevermind, as soon as I told him Garrosh Hellscream was still alive he shot himself in the kidney again. I still don't know where he got a gun though._

_Sincerely, Chad the Physician_.

Thrall stared at the message for a moment.

"MOTHERFU-"

A Death Knight dropped on top of his head.

It was not a cheery scene when Darion Morgraine stumbled to shore.

"Oh my god." said Varian "Darion, are you okay-" he never got to finish, because the barely conscious Darion Mograine punched him in the face.

"OWW!" said Varian "What the hell was that for you jerk!"

His agreement fulfilled Darion fell unconscious.

There was silence for a moment. The Death Knights may have been an army of whiners, but they had been an army none the less. The Lich King had shattered them with complete ease, without even trying.

A cold dread began to grow in the hearts of the men, and men began to whisper.

"The Horde will crush all those who-"

"Shut up!" said everyone else in unison.


	5. In which Auditions are held

**Bolvar's Folly: Chapter Five**

**In which Auditions are held:**

Jaina Proudmoore looked over the list of applicants for operation _redeem Arthas Menethil._ All things considered it was going rather well. Sure, no one had shown up yet, but nothing had caught fire yet, and when dealing with the Alliance and Horde, that was always a constant threat.

"Thank you for your assistance in this matter Bolvar." she said to her friend. "I appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it." said Bolvar sincerely, for in truth he didn't think the mission would even get off the ground, but Varian had been quite angry about the whole being punched in the face by an armored gauntlet thing, and he had chosen to distance himself until things cooled down. "Sorry about the lack of a line. Sylvanas seems to have the more popular offer."

"True." said Jaina "But I'm fairly certain she won't be any more successful than me."

"What makes you say that?" asked Bolvar.

"Let' just say that Sylvanas isn't the most personable of people." Jaina replied cryptically.

Bolvar opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Sylvanas from across the room.

"Who cares if your entire family was brutally murdered by the scourge!" she yelled at the current applicant "Stop whining and get the hell out of my office and I'll stab you."

"Don't you mean or you'll stab me?" asked the applicant.

"I know what I said!" said Sylvanas before stabbing him in the foot with a knife. "Kill him!"

The applicant shrieked in pain as he was dragged out by the guards. The sound of an axe chop was heard.

There was a pause.

"Milady." said the Demon Varimethras as politely as he could manage "You didn't even look at his resume."

"Please!" said Sylvanas "He had never even heard the name Arthas before this invasion."

"How is that relevant?" asked Varimethras.

"Don't you get it!" she said "The defeat of Arthas must be climactic, the culmination of years of bloodshed. We can't have him killed by a bunch of losers who didn't even know him in life. Next you'll tell me that neither I or Lady Proudmoore will even be present for his death, and Bolvar will replace him as Lich King!"

She stood up. "Ha! What kind of lazy hack of an writer would think that was a good idea! Have they even played the fucking games! Do they have any conception of my characterization! Clearly not because they seem to think that I would give up trying to kill Arthas! Why the hell would I **ever** give up my search for a way to kill him! Even if I succeeded, I would fucking bring him back to kill him again! It is literally my **only **goal in my unlife!" she was now screaming at the top of her lungs, unfortunately, as a banshee, this was much louder than **HOW DARE THEY TREAD UPON MY CHARACTERIZATION IN SUCH A MANNER, I WILL TORMENT THEIR SOULs FOR ALL-"**

Varimethras slapped her.

She took several deep breaths and drank some water. "Sorry, I think I lost control a bit there."

There was a slight pause.

"In any case." said Varimethras "What about the applicants."

"Do we know any of them personally." asked Sylvanas.

"…No."

"Oh good." she said, before calling out "Guards! Take these fools and execute them!"

"Typical, really." muttered the Dreadlord.

Bolvar turned back to Jaina. "I think I see what you mean."

"HA! Checkmate!" said Mal'ganis. "Victory is mine!"

"Fool." replied Arthas, turning over a card. "You've activated my trap card! Now go forth, my Death Knight, destroy his castle of Dark Illusions flotation device with your Kamehamha wave attack."

"You fool!" said Mal'ganis "You were under the effect of my complete hypnosis ability. What you just attacked was your own life points."

"Ah! But I use selective mirror force to deflect the energy to my Hero of Time!"

"No…" said Mal'ganis widening his eyes in fear.

"Now!" said Arthas "My hero of time will use his mirror shield to deflect the attack at one target, and I choose your ring of power, utterly destroying your-

"I will not stand for this commotion!" said Kel'thuzad, barging into the room. "I have numerous projects that I need to complete, and I can't do that if your screaming at the top of your lungs about some stupid game!"

"Hey!" said Arthas defensively "This is fourth dimensional chess. A game so complex that mortals cannot comprehend the rules. It is anything but stupid."

"…Oh." said Kel'thuzad "Can I play."

"Sure. Just grab a three sided dice and let's go."

"…Shit."

Meanwhile back with Sylvanas, they had yet to get anyone on board. Thanks in no small part to Sylvanas' methods of recruiting.

Kalecgos walked in.

"Fuck off." said Sylvanas, pulling out her knives.

Kalecgos walked out.

…If they could be called.

Sylvanas looked vaguely surprised at the next one. He was a tall blood elf, wearing red robes, and carrying a sword at his side.

"Kael." she said in surprise "I thought you were dead."

"Uh… I'm not Kael." said the blonde elf who looked exactly like the former supreme ruler of the Blood Elves. "I am Roy… uh… Redcloak, yes, that's it, I'm Roy Redcloak, Kael'thas is a wanted criminal... Which I am not. Because I am not Kael'thas."

"Actually he's not a wanted criminal." said Sylvanas. "He's been officially reported executed by a five man raid group, courtesy of the blood elf totalitarian state."

There was dead silence.

"Son of a bitch." said 'Roy'.

"Well, anyway Kael-" began the Banshee Queen.

"I'm not-"

"Silence!" said Sylvanas "Your name is Kael now, and if you don't like it, then I will rip your lungs out through your left kidney."

"She'll do it. I've seem her." warned Varimethras "You better off just dropping the act."

"…Okay then." said the Kael'thas. "Since you forced my hand, I'll drop the act. Either way, I want to join in the hunt to kill Arthas."

"Why?" asked Sylvanas, readying her knife.

"Well, he stole my girlfriend, murdered my people, corrupted the Sunwell, and overall ruined my life twice."

Sylvanas began laughing uproariously. "Hahahaha! Oh god, that's hilarious! He really outdid himself with that one!"

There was a pause as she finished laughing.

"…Well that was kind of insensitive." said Varimethras after a moment.

"Ask me if I care." she replied "Besides, in terms of trying to kill Arthas, he's strictly little league."

"Bullshit!" said Kael "I've been planning to murder him since before he was a Death Knight."

"Your point?" said Sylvanas dryly "I've been trying to kill him since before he was a Paladin."

"What." said Varimethras.

"Oh yes." she said "I broke his horses leg, and had a mage cast a memory charm on him so he thought he was responsible. I then left him grief-stricken in the middle of a snowstorm. I figured that even if he survived, he would kill himself out of remorse."

"…I take it that didn't work out so well." said Kael.

"Yeah…" she said "Turns out that he just got a new horse and moved on. It was a bad plan in retrospect. What kind of self respecting Prince would get all teary eyed over some stupid horse after all."

"Still…" said Varimethras "Why were you trying to kill him in the first place."

"Because he murdered my people, and turned me into a banshee." she replied with a shrug.

"But… your first attempt on his life was _years_ before he did that." said the Dreadlord incredulously. "Why would you want to murder him."

"Pays to be prepared." she replied.

"Silence!" yelled Kael "The blood of the Highborn cries out for vengeance! Which can only be repaid with at least twice as much blood! Or maybe three times as much blood! Like if your went to hell, and it was full of blood! And that Blood was on fire, and it was raining blood! And maybe THAT would be enough blood!" he paused paused to laugh maniacally. "…But it probably still wouldn't be enough."

There was a long, awkward silence.

"Sorry." said Kael "I've been under a lot of stress lately."

"…Wow." said Varimethras "I'm… not really sure how to react to that."

"I am." said Sylvanas solumnly "Seriously, man, your taking this revenge thing way too far. An eye for an eye makes everyone blind. How can we hope to build a better future without forgiveness and friendship."

There was dead silence once more.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" yelled Varimethras "THE END IS NIGH! REPENT! REPENT!"

He teleported out.

"…Were you serious." asked Kael'thas in a small voice.

"Of course not." she replied "I just like screwing with people. Welcome aboard. Now get me some coffee before I rip your fucking lungs out."

**End of Chapter**

…So yeah, chapter five is done.

You know, it's funny, I never intended to write Sylvanas as an axe crazy psychotic maniac of questionable sanity. It just kind of came out that way. It was rather fun to write her, though.

More on who Jaina recruits next time on Bolvar's Folly!


	6. In which Jaina makes a plan

**Bolvars Folly: Chapter Six**

"So why don't you tell us a little about yourself." said Jaina, with a serene smile to the applicant before her.

The applicant was a tall, stunningly beautiful blood elf woman with blue eyes and silver gold hair, whatever that is. She wore a low cut suit of armor, and carried a blade of incredible power.

"I am Allaveria Windrider." said the applicant "And I am an incredibly skilled swords master, trained in a thousand forms of combat, which I was a master of by the time I was twelve."

"But… that would mean you would have known all those things when were toddler." said Bolvar.

"That is correct." she said with a benevolent smiel "I am also a master of all forms of magic, extremely acrobatic, immortal, and suffer from a terminal disease that will not kill me."

"…Right." said Jaina smiling nervously "Okya, so why do you want to redeem Arthas Menethil."

"Well obviously because he is my one true love." said the blood elf.

Jaina smile faded. "What." she said in a dangerous.

"Oh yes." said the blood elf woman "For he and I fell in love long before he met you, and only fell in love with you after-"

"Run." said Bolvar.

"Run?" said Allaveria "Why should I run from a lesser being- OHMYGODIMONFIRE!"

Allaveria's charred corpse fell to the ground with a thump.

"Next please!" said Jaina, smiling again.

The next one was an equally stunningly beautiful woman with red hair.

"I am Ashrea Menethil, and I- AHHHHHH!"

She was reduced to a charred corpse.

Jaina kept on smiling.

…...

A few minutes later, several more bodies had piled up. All of them were people who apparently thought they had some kind of relationship with Arthas Menethil. Whether is was family or romantic, however, they all burned the same.

Kalecgos walked in and opened his mouth.

"Go fuck yourself." said Jaina bluntly.

Kalecgos walked out.

The next applicant was a bit more normal looking, being a human Death Knight. She paused as she saw the bodies. "…What is with all the corpses."

"I asked a few questions." said Jaina with a pleasantly. "I didn't like their answer. They kept on saying rather slanderous things, you know." her eyes narrowed "Are you here to say slanderous things, my dear."

"Uh… no." said the Death Knight "I'm here because I want to help you kill Arthas Menethil."

"Oh, and what exactly makes you think your qualified to join us." asked Bolvar.

"Well, I have Shadowmourne." said the Death Knight.

"…What the hell is Shadowmourne." asked Bolvar.

"Oh, it's just a magical axe constructed using the souls of innocent people, for the sole purpose of killing the Lich King, for the heinous crime using the souls of innocent people."

There was absolute silence. Suddenly Jaina was not smiling.

"You deserve this." said Bolvar.

"Deserve wha-AHHHHH!"

…...

The next applicant looked vaguely familiar, with her long blonde hair tied into a pony tail. She carried a saber like the sort officers used in Kul'tiras.

"So why don't you tell us about yourself." asked Bolvar.

"Well, my name is Calia Menethil. Sister of Arthas Menethil, I want to help stop the Lich King's evil plotting."

Jaina absently reached for her staff before Bolvar snatched it away.

"Wait!" he said "There is precedent, Arthas did have a sister."

Jaina considered this for a moment. "Oh, sorry Bolvar, force of habit, I guess." she turned to Calia.

"Calia!" said Jaina "I haven't seen you since you got married off to Deathwing! How has marriage to an omnicidal maniac worked out for you."

"Eh, can't complain." said Calia "I mean, sure, my Kingdom got burned down, my husband turned out to be a dragon of pure evil, and my Brother became the most powerful leader of the undead, but what can you do."

"Tell me about it." replied Jaina with a sigh "Give Stormwind a few more months of Varian's rule and the whole place will be in flames. I guarantee it."

"Personally I blame Garrosh Hellscream." put in Bolvar.

"…Why would you blame him." asked Calia.

"No reason." said Bolvar "We just have a policy of assuming that Garrosh is at fault for every bad thing that happens until proven otherwise."

"We find it usually isn't all that far off." supplied Jaina.

"…Right." said Calia "Well, in any case I want to offer my sword in ending the threat of the Lich King permenantly."

"I didn't know you could fight." said Bolvar.

"Well I couldn't before." Calia replied, and her eyes grew distant. "It all began when my brother Arthas first returned to Lordaeron…"

"Calia, we don't need a recap." said Jaina bluntly "Everyone already knows what happened in Lordaeron."

"FOOLISH HUMANS!" yelled Garrosh Hellscream, rushing into the room, with a drawn axe. "THE HORDE DESTROYED LORDAERON!"

"…Okay, everybody except him." Jaina amended.

"YOU PATHETIC HUMANS CANNOT POSSIBLY HOPE TO DEFEAT US! FOR WE ARE THE HORDE! AND WE SHALL-"

"Sir, this is private property." said Calia. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"FOOLISH HUMAN!" yelled Garrosh at the top of his lungs as he rushed forward "I WILL CRUSH YOUR PATHETI-"

Calia leapt backwards, drop kicking Garrosh in the face, before catching herself on her hands, and back flipping to land on one knee.

Garrosh hit the ground with a thud, and did not move.

"Who the hell was that idiot." asked Calia, standing up fully.

"That was the future Warchief of the Horde." said Jaina in an annoyed tone "Bolvar, would you mind tying a few rocks to his feet, and throwing into a freezing river."

"Certainly." said Bolvar, grabbing some rope and standing "I'll get right on that."

"…Won't that cause an international incident." said Calia.

"Garrosh Hellscream is an international incident." replied Jaina simply. "By the way, your hired."

…...

Two hours later, they were sitting around a table and planning their next move.

"So what exactly is the plan here." said Calia.

"Well, I was thinking I could stab him in the face." she said "Then Jaina can set him on fire while you hold off the mooks."

"…How exactly is that going to redeem Arthas." asked Jaina.

"We're trying to redeem Arthas?" said Calia "Seriously?"

"It's in the title?"

"I thought it was a joke.

"Of course we are." said Jaina "He's under mind control by the Lich King."

"Wouldn't that make him under mind control by himself." asked Calia curiously.

"Maybe if he's got a split personality…" suggested Bolvar.

"Why are you in on this anyway." said Calia "I heard you hated Arthas."

"Well, yeah, I do." said Bolvar "But I also think he'd make a better faction Leader than Varian. Assuming of course that we manage to turn him good."

"The likelihood of that seems rather small." pointed out Calia.

"Do you have a better plan?" shot back Jaina.

"Well, I hate to say it…" said Calia "But why not just kill him."

"That would be more trouble than it was worth." said Bolvar "We'd have to go to a ton of trouble to kill someone who is effectively less of a jerk than the people we work for."

And what exactly is your plan?" asked Calia "Use the power of love to redeem him."

"Of course not." replied Jaina in an offended tone "That's just stupid. My plan is to use magic to split his personality into two separate entities, one half with all of his evil, one with everything else. Then I'll kill the evil half, and we can all live happily ever after."

"…There is seriously a spell like that?" said Calia, somewhat incredulous.

"Sure. Onyxia used it to split Varian Wrynn's personality into two separate beings. One a stupid jerkass, and the other a weak willed jerkass. I figured out how to do it, and now I'm confident I can do this."

"…I can't believe I'm saying this." Bolvar stated "But that plan might actually work."

"Still…" said Calia "There are moral implications to consider."

"Fuck the moral implications." replied Jaina.

"…Okay, I'll give this plan a shot." said Calia "But still, what are you planning to do if you succeed?"

"Burn down Gilneas, obviously." said Jaina.

"…Why?" asked Bolvar.

"To wipe out the worgen of course." said Jaina with a smile "It isn't as though you could just develop a cure in a couple of months. That's just implausible and stupid."

"Good point." admitted Bolvar. "It's kind of like letting a race of anthropomorphic panda's into the Alliance and Horde."

He suddenly noticed that both Jaina and Calia were glaring at him.

"What did I-"

"FUCK YOU! PANDAREN ARE AWESOME!"

…...

**End Chapter Six**

…...

Authors note:

So yeah, I'm ending the chapter on that note. As a game, see if you can list which things I am parodying.

Oh, and Jaina is right, Pandaren are awesome. In fact, they are so awesome, that I hate the new expansion. If anyone can screw up an entire race of Panda's it is Chris Metzen.

Personally I think they should create and alternate universe of Warcraft in which everyone is a Panda.

We could call it Pandacraft.


	7. In which Airships are deconstructed

**Bolvar's Folly**

**Chapter Seven:**

"Okay, is everyone here?" asked Tirion Fordring as he looked over his assembled group of Alliance and Horde leaders. "Because I really don't want to hold this meeting twice."

"Well Garrosh is a bit late." Said Thrall "But he probably wouldn't have anything constructive to say, so I move that we just ignore his absence and hope he dies off-screen."

"Fair enough." said Tirion with a thoughtful nod. "Let's do a role call. Varian Wrynn."

"Here." said Varian "But I will never agree to an alliance with-"

"The adults are talking your majesty." said Tirion nonchalantly as he looked at his clipboard.

"I am an adu-" began Varian.

"No you are not." said Tirion calmly as he looked up "You are in fact an immature man-child, who is so totally irresponsible that he would rather pursue his personal vendetta's instead of keeping order in the streets of his own capital. Your pushing for a war with the Horde when there is literally a prison riot in your city, that is **seven** **years old.** The only reason I invited you here was so that you couldn't whine about not being shown in."

"Now look here!" said Varian, leaping to his feet angrily "I will be heard-"

"You have been heard, your majesty." replied Tirion, his tone cold and patronizing "Many times, and after due thought regarding your suggestions, I have concluded that you are an idiot. As such I will not be listening to anything you have to say. But I'll tell you what, if you pledge whatever troops I request to of you without asking any complaints, I'll consider letting you keep your Kingdom after the wars over. Am I clear."

"Well I-" began Varian.

"Yes, or no. Anything else will be answered with an Ashbringer to the face."

"Yes."

"Good, I'm glad we had this chat." said Tirion, smiling brightly. "Now sit down and shut up. Bitch."

Varian sat down. Thrall stood, raising an eyebrow at the scene that had just happened. "Hey Tirion." he said after a moment "Not that I don't enjoy seeing Varian get put in his place, but we don't have anything near a complete group here. I mean, Darion Mograine is still in critical condition. The Death Knights have all come down with a bad case of death, Jaina's off on one of her redeem-Arthas-Menethil-quests, Bolvar went with her and we don't even know where Sylvanas and Lorthemar Theron are."

"Lorthemar? I wouldn't wait for him." came a bright voice that they all recognized from their nightmares. They looked up to see Sylvanas Windrunner, dripping in blood and entrails, and carrying a chainsaw that was also dripping in blood and entrails.

Tirion looked at her in horror, while Thrall seemed to take it in with long suffering stride. "…Lady Sylvanas." the Warchief said with a sigh, "How nice of you to come. I take it you know where Lorthemar Theron is."

"Well of course I do." She replied with a smile "Or at least I know where he was when I brutally murdered him five minutes ago. As for where he is now, I think one of his legs is around here some-"

"Nevermind, we don't want to know." finished Thrall.

"You murdered the leader of the Blood Elves!" said Tirion in a horrified tone. "Why!?"

Sylvanas bit her lip, and looked upwards in thought. "You know, I don't quite remember. You ever get so caught up in something that you completely forget why you were doing it in the first place?" She laughed jovially, and the three looked at her in horror.

"Uh…" said Varian, forgetting Tirion's instructions. "Would anyone think less of me if I ran out of this room screaming."

"Probably not." admitted Tirion, neglecting to add that the only way it was possible for him to think less of Varian would be if he became a second Garrosh Hellscream.

Varian ran out of the tent screaming.

"What's up with him?" asked Sylvanas in genuine confusion.

"I think he is concerned about the fact that you brutally murdered your own ally." said Thrall. Tirion noted that the Warchief's voice was resigned, as if this thing had been an everyday occurance.

"Lorthemar Theron was part of the Horde?" asked Sylvanas in surprise.

"Yes. Yes he was." said Thrall rubbing his head as he felt a migraine come on. "And guess what Sylvanas? You get to tell the blood elves why their leader has been hacked to death with a chainsaw."

"Oh, I already did that." said Sylvanas dismissively "Apparently they even held him a funeral. I've got a copy of what it says on his tombstone right here." she held out a sheet of paper, sealed by wax, and tossed it the Thrall.

Carefully unwrapping it without touching the blood stains from her hands Thrall read the letter.

It said:

_Lorthemar Theron_

_Born at some point before the second war. Died some time after._

_Mediocre leader, sub par warrior. Not Kael'thas._

_Truly the Highborn have hit rock bottom if this guy is the running their Kingdom._

_P.S: Illidan/Tyrande forever._

_P.P.S Foul Warlocks! How dare you defile this Tomb! I banish you from Ashenvale!_

"…I can't help but notice that this is written in Night elf." said Thrall, giving Sylvanas a suspicious glare/

"Yes well, it turned out that nobody actually cared much that he had died, and so they contracted the Night Elves to design the tomb."

"Then what is with the last part? The one about defiling the tomb?" asked Tirion.

"Well obviously the Night Elves subcontract a wielder of unholy magic to do all the work for them like always." said Sylvanas as if it were obvious "That way they can skimp on the payment via banishing them from Ashenvale. What? You didn't really think the Night Elves were capable of accomplishing anything without help from an outside party who represents everything they despise?"

"…No not really." said Tirion quite truthfully, for the Night Elves had always struck him as rather incompetant when it came to anything beyond being selfish bigots. "In any case, are you here to join this meeting or just discuss how much you enjoy team killing."

"Neither." said Sylvanas cheerfully "I'm actually here to tell you that I have set up twenty tons of dynamite somewhere beneath this camp."

"WHAT!" they both yelled "WHY?!"  
She shrugged "I dunno, bored. Anyway, in exactly one hour they will explode, killing everyone here in a giant inferno of fiery death. Start diggin if you want to live."

With that she turned round and walked out, twirling her chainsaw, while humming merrily. There was a thud as she bumped into someone on her way out.

"Oh, sorry milady I didn't-OHDEARGODITHURTS!" came the voice of the unfortunate pedestrian.

Then there was a moment of horrified silence, as the Warchief and the Paladin stood there.

"I can't believe I'm saying this." said Tirion "But I'm beginning to think that Varian might have a point."

"You just realized that." said Thrall dryly depressed "I've known it for years."

"What!" said Tirion "But… you're the Hordes leader."

"I know." said Thrall "And as the Hordes leader it is my job to know the people who work for me. To be perfectly honest I concluded long ago that the Horde needs to be totally obliterated. Why do you think I'm grooming Garrosh to be the next Warchief?"

"Your…" began Tirion "Your deliberately trying to destroy your own faction!?"

"Well yeah." said Thrall with an unapologetic voice. "On the subject of the Orcish conception of honor I am long past innocence, and fast approaching apathy. It's basically a couple of guidelines laid down by Orgrim Doomhammer so that he could sleep at night. Nothing more."

"But you created the new Horde!" cried Tirion.

"And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it." said the Warchief in a dejected sigh "I mean, if you look at the Third War, our only notable contribution to it was killing Mannaroth, but he was just a psychotic brute with a lot more power than most other demons. In exchange for his life, the Legion killed Cenarius, who, while kind of a dick, was one of their biggest enemies, and cannot be so easily replaced." he sat down heavily. "No. The Horde is nothing more than an organization of psychotic maniacs who need to die for the sake of everyone else."

"What about the Tauren?" asked Tirion, his voice accusing.

"Except the Tauren." amended Thrall "Their a casualty."

"Well then why the hell are you supporting peace!"

"Because Jaina is too competent." replied Thrall. "If she was left to her own devices, then she might actually find a way to create peace on her own. You might not know it, but she's got a ruthless streak a mile wide when she gets desperate. And if she loses all her support, then she'll start knocking heads together. Thing is, unlike the other leaders of the Alliance, she **doesn't **want the Orcs dead. So while she might beat the hell out of my armies, she'll definitely stop short of wiping my race out. Which will just lead to another Warchief showing up and starting the war all over again. So instead I pretend to care about peace, play the part of a trusted friend, and pretend to let Garrosh walk over me out of nostalgia for his father, while simultaneously allowing him to waste the Hordes resources on pointless operations, and send my faction a little bit closer to oblivion each day."

"But what about the Lich King!" yelled Tirion "He's trying to wipe out all life, and your trying to destroy one of the largest threats to his power! The very faction your **supposed to be ruling!**"

"Oh please." scoffed Thrall "As if the Lich King gives a damn about us. This entire war is doomed to failure anyway."

"…What." said Tirion, his voice cold.

Thrall gave him a look. "Think about it, Tirion. When Arthas Menethil became Lich King, my people had just finished a war with Kul'tiras. Stormwind was fighting the Defias Brotherhood in the mother of all civil wars, and the central kingdoms of the western continent were in absolute ruins. And that's not even talking about the Blood Elves military machine, or rather what was left of it after he curb stomped their armies twice. If Arthas gave a damn about killing us, he would have done it by now."

"But…" said the Paladin, almost at a loss for words. "…The fight at Light hopes chapel…"

"Yeah… about that." said Thrall "I'm not too familiar with the scourge campaign in Lordaeron, what with not being there for it and all, but didn't a wet behind the ears Death Knight Arthas kill Uther Lightbringer at King Terenas' funeral."

"Well yes but…"

"And if I'm not mistaken Uther was the most powerful Paladin ever seen by man. Also, I'm pretty sure human Kings are buried on Holy Ground."

"Are you going somewhere with this?" said the Paladin in irritation.

"My point, Tirion." said the Warchief "Is that when Arthas killed Uther the Lightbringer in single combat he was at a fraction of the power he had when he beat Illidan. And as Lich King, he is now even more powerful. Even if we assume that the Ashbringer is more powerful than Frostmourne, it still wouldn't make up the differance in your strengths."

"…What are you saying?" asked Tirion, his voice indicating that he already had an idea.

"What I'm saying, Highlord, is that Arthas isn't taking this seriously. At all. This War is just buildup, the elaborate set up for the biggest joke in the history of Azeroth. And you're anticlimactic death at his hands will be the punchline."

"You can't be serious!" said Tirion, somewhat desperately "If what your saying is true then all the sacrifices that we've made up until now have been for nothing! I won't believe that!"

"Oh, they aren't for nothing." said Thrall mildly. "They keep him interested in Azeroth. As long as he is enjoying making fools of us in Northrend, he's not ravaging our nations. Your naïve belief that right always wins, and your inspiring leadership won't kill him, but it will create the illusion that someone came close. And as long as people have hope, they will keep fighting, and he will hold off on destroying them completely."

"But…"

"You are aware, Tirion, that the clock on the dynamite is ticking?" asked Thrall lightly.

"Well I…"

"Forty five minutes." The Warchief raised his hand and pointed to his wrist.

"…We'd better go get the shovels." said Tirion with a sigh.

"We're only delaying the inevitable." said Thrall in a depressed tone before walking out the tent.

…...

The Citidel of Icecrown was big. Very big. In fact, it was so big that it would probably take centuries for any living army to construct such a vast, and brilliant example of architecture.

As Jaina Proudmoore looked out from the bridge of the _HMS Skyfall_, even as the massive Gunship flew towards the flew towards the Scourge Capital, she couldn't help but get the impression that it was a bit bigger than would be entirely logical.

"I'm just saying that you seem awfully calm." said Calia behind her, as the Princess leaned against the mast, her hair tied into a ponytail as she balanced a dagger by it's pommel on one slim finger "Actually, you seem almost cheerful."

"And why shouldn't I be." said Jaina, turning around with a bright smile. "I'm finally going to achieve my goal of redeeming Arthas. Then I can overthrow Varian, and usher in a new era of peace and tolerance, where people like Garrosh Hellscream are roasted over slow fires."

"…And supposing it doesn't work." said Calia.

"Eh." said Jaina in surprise, as if the idea of failure had not occurred to her. "Oh, it'll work."

"But supposing it doesn't?" argued Calia with a sigh "Suppose that against all odds, something goes wrong and Arthas Menethil can no longer be redeemed. Do you have a backup plan?"

"Of course." said Jaina "And if my first plan fails, then the second one will be sure to work."

"…Really?" said Bolvar, as he approached from below deck "I'm interested in knowing exactly what this plan is."

"Oh, hey Bolvar." said Jaina, cheerfully ignoring his statement "How are the crew of the _Skyfall_ doing?"

"Actually they seemed kind of out of it." replied the Steward of Stormwind ruefully. "It was really odd. They kept on referring to you as the God Empress Jaina, and saying prayers to you. Frankly it's really creeping me out."

"Oh that's nothing." said Jaina with a dismissive flick of her hand "That's just a minor, harmless side effect of a mental domination spell I created to rob the crew of their free will so that they won't object to any of my orders. It'll only last a few months, so we should be done before they break free."

There was an awkward silence

"…Wonderful" said Calia with a sigh "So when we're rotting in a cell in Stormwind we'll know who to blame."

"Oh don't be silly Calia. We're going to overthrow Varian after this mission anyway. Arthas will need a Kingdom, and Stormwind needs a competent ruler. It's a win win."

"Ignoring the fact that that sort of talk is **treason of the highest caliber**." said Bolvar "There has been a prison riot going on in Stormwind for seven years, so Varian can't put us in prison even if he does choose to arrest us."

"Seven years…" said Calia "Shouldn't Varian have done something about-"

"Yes." said Bolvar.

"Is he-" she began.

"Probably not. No." said the Steward of Stormwind before she could finish.

"But it's his duty-"

"He doesn't care." said the Highlord of the Alliance.

"How the hell did someone so irresponsible ever become a King in the first place?!" asked Calia.

"I ask myself that question every night." said Jaina sadly, as she turned to face them fully.

"And that is why I'm not particularly ashamed to be ignoring Jaina's plans to replace him with a former homicidal maniac."

"Omnicidal actually." Calia corrected him. "But seriously Jaina, what makes you have so much faith in this backup plan of yours."

"Because if my plan to redeem Arthas fails, then I'm going to join him, and take my place as his Dark Queen."

"…What." said Bolvar in deadpan.

Calia coughed "I think what Jaina means is that she will pretend to join his side, then act as a double agent, betraying him at a critical moment."

"No. I mean I will literally join the forces of Darkness. And since I'll be able to get Arthas to do what I want, I'll be able to become the de facto leader of the scourge." said Jaina before suddenly raising her hands into the air and summoning mage fire **"In place of a Dark Lord you would have a QUEEN! Not Dark but beautiful and terrible as the Dawn! Treacherous and deadly as the MAELSTROM ITSELF! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE WORLD!" **The wind whirled around them, and the ship rocked suddenly as Jaina seemed to them to be like some terrible deity, who having tired of mortal men's disrespect, has at last returned to walk the land, and remind them of their folly in opposing her will. There was no laughter, or gloating. No exposition regarding her plans. Only swift death visited upon those who dared to scoff at her might.

And then it was gone as quickly as it came, and Jaina was standing there, smiling in a rather disarming way, which made her all the more terrifying. "Only joking of course." she said "I would never do that."

Calia Menethil stood there in shock for a moment. "….Right. Of course." she said, doubtfully

"Good." Jaina said, before glancing back at Icecrown, which now seemed far closer. Already, thousands of Gargoyles and Frostwyrms were flying out from their perches, screeching and roaring in the air as they headed straight for the airship. "Oh dear. It looks like we have company."

She nonchalantly moved over to the prow of the ship, and raised her staff. Suddenly a massive bolt of fire shot forth from it, landing amidst the front line of Frostwyrms. Several long, horrid roars were heards as they were obliterated in the explosion.

And then the undead were upon them. Dozens of undead dragons swarmed around them, breathing icy death at the ships hull, and breaking holes in the side, even as the Gargoyles shot down to tear at them. The crew readied guns and fired upwards at them, and some of the flyers fell, but it seemed that for every one that died another would take it's place. More importantly, ordinary rifles were proving exceptionally ineffective against the giant skeletal dragons with no vital organs. On the other hand, the Frostwyrms freezing breath was quite capable of stopping a man cold in his tracks.

"Damn it!" yelled Bolvar, drawing his sword, and readying his shield for battle as the waves of Gargoylesd descended upon them. "If only we had some heavier ranged weaponry!?"

"Uh, hello!" said Calia incredulously "We've got like, twenty broadside cannons on this ship! Why don't we just use them to shoot the Frostwyrms out of the sky?!"

Bolvar looked at her in surprise. "That's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"What's so wrong with the idea?!" yelled Calia in annoyance, as she ducked out of a Gargoyles way and cut it in half with her saber.

"What **isn't **wrong with the idea." said Bolvar, slashing one of the gargoyles in half, while bashing another away with his shield. "These canons were designed to be used on Naval vessels! Not Airships!" He leapt out of the way of a Frostwyrms freezing breath, and cutting another undead flyer in half.

"Well why should that matter?!" yelled Calia, stabbing a gargoyle in the throat, before leaping off the ship into the air, and land atop a Frostwyrm as it dove down over them and drive her saber into it's head.

It roared in pain and dived downwards, obviously trying to take her with it. Calia pulled her saber out and ran down it's bony spine, before leaping back onto the ship, to land behind Jaina, who was tossing around fireballs.

"Actually it's quite simple." said the sorceress as she hurled another fireball "A water based ship only has to worry about two dimensions. The enemy fleet isn't going to attack them from the sky afterall." she snapped her fingers, causing several dozen enemy flyers to explode. "The thing about this ship though is-" Jaina paused to fire a bolt of lightning that turned a Frostwyrm to ashes. "-It's and **airship**, it has to worry about up and down, as well as left and right. So aiming a canon designed for a naval vessels will be difficult to say the least!"

It was right about this time that groups of Frostwyrms began to swoop down in pairs, with sqauds of Death Knights on their back, who leaped down and attacked the crew head on. Their Runeblades proved more than a match for the soldiers of Alliance, and a mass slaughter began.

"'Difficut! Understatement of the century!" Bolvar yelled as he ran to their aid, cutting down a Death Knight who blocked his path as he joined them. "I don't care if your Medivh the last fucking Guardian, and your duel wielding the Ashbringer and Frostmorne with the Skull of Gul'dan tied around your neck! You can't just slap a few heavy canons on a flying machine, and use it to reliably gun down creatures that are not only smaller than your ship, but also faster, with a greater range of movement!" he hurled his sword with one hand sending it to cut through three Gargoyles to land firmly in a Frostwyrms skull. "YOU CAN'T!" he yelled bashing a Death Knight in the face with his shield twice, before grabbing the mans rune blade and offhandedly beheading another of his enemies.

"So what do we do?!" said Calia, as she parried an attack with her saber, and jammed her dagger into her enemies throat.

"Unless Jaina here has any bright ideas, we're probably all going to die." said Bolvar, noting that the Death Knights were getting increasingly hard to drive back as more of them leapt onto the ship.

"Well I do have this on spell…" began Jaina, before stopping cold as a Runeblade rested against her throat. Calia and Bolvar turned to where she was, only to became aware that there were at least twenty Runeblades pointed at them from every direction.

They looked around to see that most of the rest of the ship was covered in Death Knights. "Well… shit." said Calia, more to herself than anyone else.

"Did you people **really** think that you could use one Airship to directly assault Icecrown citidel?" asked the Death Knight whose Runeblade was next to Jaina's throat. "I mean, seriously, that has got to be the worst plan I've ever heard of."

"Well I wouldn't say it's failed just yet." said Jaina with a modest smile. "I expect we'll make it."

"Your heedless optimism is a wonder to-OW." said Bolvar, before he was poked lightly in the side with a rune blade.

"Shut up." suggested his captor.

Bolvar shut up.

"Now then," said the Death Knight who had captured Jaina "You, Jaina Proudmoore, are actually important, so I'm obligated to ask you if you have any last words before we seal your magic, kill your companions, and drag you before our dark master, where you will doubtlessly succumb to Stockholm syndrom after a few weeks of imprisonment. Chainmail bikinis are optional. Surrender immidiatly and this will go a lot easier on us both."

"Well I have to admit." said Jaina "That is a fair, well thought out, and genuinely interesting proposal. Allow me to give you my retory." Suddenly she knocked his sword away with her staff, and raised it into the air to channel a massive burst of magic through it as she yelled the name of her spell. **"RAGNAROK!"**

And then the world was bathed in light.

…...

**END CHAPTER**

…...

**Authors note: **Well, here we are. Chapter Eight, with this we finally see the beginnings of the actual plot.

There were quite a few take that's to the Horde in this chapter, I will certainly admit. Please understand that I do not have anything against people who play Horde. I try to keep my take that's balanced out, but the sad fact of the matter is that Metzen has put a lot of focus on Horde characters. And since Metzen is incapable of writing someone sympathetically, the Horde naturally turns out looking like a collection of douchebags.

What really annoys me about Metzen's characters is that it's blatantly obvious he wants us to root for him. I read one of his posts about Varian Wrynn, and one of his direct statements was that 'he really wanted to make it so players would be willing to follow him to the depths of hell.' Slight problem with that Metzen. You've done such a good job of making Varian an unsympathetic, screen time hogging asshole that I wouldn't follow him on a free vacation to to the bahamas. No matter what development you put him through, Varian Wrynn is as directly responsible for the current state of events as Garrosh. Sure, he hasn't crossed the moral event horizon, but that doesn't mean I have to like him.

This just highlights the key problem with Metzen as a writer, he has no conception of the differance between a flawed character, and blatant jerkass. But to prove my point, let me talk about a flawed character done right. And that character is Byakuya Kuchiki.

Byakuya Kuchiki from the anime Bleach is a highborne nobleman, who serves as an early antagonist, and the main character first major rival. Said main character is called Ichigo Kurosaki, and he is trying to rescue a friend of his, who is also Byakuya's sister-in-law.

One the other hand, Byakuya is trying to stop Ichigo, because it is his firm belief that the law is sacred, and that to disobey it, no matter his personal feelings, would be utterly irrisponsible, not to mention that he is caught between two opposing oaths, one to protect his sister which was sworn to his wife, and the other to obey the law at all times, sworn upon his parents graves.

This highlights an honor before reason personality, and much of Byakuya's character arc is based around learning to be more flexible on such matters. He is a sympathetic character because we can emphisize with him, and even though his actions are not always right, they are understandable, and he becomes less and less reserved over time.

Varian Wrynn and Garrosh Hellscream on the other hand are constantly switching personalities without explanation, or logical reason. This is because Metzen want's us to root for his pet characters, but has no conception of how to actually write them. No one ever calls them on their childish idiocy, even though in any logical society they would have been pariahs. Thus, their changes in characterization happen out of nowhere.

If you want to know how I wish Wrath of the Lich King would have ended, I'll tell you.

I wish Arthas had win.

That's right. And no, I don't mean gets a major victory. I mean I wish that he had killed every single living creature in Azeroth, gotten Jaina as his dark Queen, and went on the conqour the universe. The bad guy wins. Total party kill. End of Days. Story over.

Why? Because when I played through Frozen Throne, the characters were so well written that I actually found myself rooting for them, even when they were the villains. I almost cheered with triumph as Arthas escaped from Azjol Nerub, even though I knew full well that it was a bad thing for the world at large. In World of Warcraft, we have a ton of 'good guys' and I despise every single one except Jaina. And more importantly because it **would have been a conclusion!** World of Warcraft isn't going to end with a bang, because Metzen has brutally murdered every single interesting and compelling villain, and he must now resort to bringing back people like Cho'gall. Possibly even Gul'dan, if certain clumsy attempts at foreshadows have been heard right.

This is despite the fact that the **entire**** point of Gul'dan's death was to highlight what an insignificant worm he was! **Unlike other villains, who fell into despair, or were corrupted while trying to protect something, Gul'dan was a viciously evil monster from the very beginning. He built nothing, and all he did was corrupt and destroy. He was even willing to sacrifice his entire species to get a power up. Thus, being stabbed by a demon, and bleeding out anticlimacticly on the floor, with only the knowledge of just how thuroughly screwed he was is a perfect way for him to meet his end. Because it highlights how, despite all his power, he was nothing in the end.

Not that Christopher Metzen cares. No, as long as his personal Mary Sues get all the focus, he's absolutely fine with butchering the storyline. I'm beginning to think that his last name is actually Paolini.

Anyway, my point is this: If you are still playing World of Warcraft and enjoy it, that's fine. But if you are continually frustrated by the complete lack of respect for a once great setting, like me. Then maybe you should consider finding something else to spend your 14.99 or so a month on.

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I guess I'll just say that I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Not sure when the next chapter is coming, I have several other fics I need to work on as well.

Please review. I appreciate any and all constructive criticism.


	8. In which there was a Door

**Bolvars Folly:**

**Chapter Eight:**

**And now, a brief intermission:**

"_Lets go out to the lobby, lets go out to the lobby, lets go out to the lobby, and have ourselves a snack!"_ sung King Popcorn, Sir Soda, and Sir Milk Duds as they made their way towards the site of where their greatest enemy yet would be faced.

Yet all was not well, for Popcorn halted suddenly as he sensed the approach of their dark counterpart, and as one the three friends turned to face their mortals foes.

"Your time has come and gone, Popcorn!" cried King Nachos, the leader of their enemies. "Today's moviegoers enjoy a more refreshing fair! Like Nachos!"

"Or lattes!" cried the dark beverage next to him as he readied his bow.

"Or say, Pizza!" cried the last of the terrible trio.

"You fool…" said Popcorn in a low voice, as his magic crackled around him, releasing an aroma of butter slathered corn that caused his enemies to fall back in terror at his presence. "We have been loved by the movie going public for countless generations. Do you know what kind of power that gives us? We have become unto TINY! REFRESHING! GODS!" and his magic was summoned around him as those upon the field drew sword and spell and-

There was a flash of light.

"STOP!" came the voice of Hot Dog the wanderer, who was said to have walked in all the worlds. And though Popcorn and Nachos' hatred for one another could not be quenched, they took pause as they saw the terrible strength before them.

"Hot dog! What is the meaning of this!" cried Sir Soda in anger.

"Make no mistake, great Lords!" cried Hot Dog "For while you have battled one another a vile Champion of Home Theatres has arisen, and mustered an army strong enough to cast down the theatres as a whole!"

And a great dread fell over the heart of King Popcorn "Who is this Champion, Hot Dog?"

And Hot Dogs face grew grave. "His name is 3D."

And King Popcorns face grew grave, as a terrible realization fell upon him. "No! Not my chief advisor!"

"Yes!" cried Hot Dog "For he in secret serves the Dark God Blue Ray, Lord of Useless Gimmicks!" he took pause "He spoke words of his nature as something that could be of great value you, yet all his worth is but a pitiful illusion, created to fool the movie going public into believing that it was worth paying 25 to 50% more for the right to wear to wear stupid glasses!"

"What have we done!" cried King Nachos, and he fell in despair.

Yet Sir Soda raised himself. "Come friends." he cried "Though things are indeed hopeless, we must not give up! For the sake of films everywhere we must fight on, to the last breath!"

"Indeed." said King Popcorn grimly. "Let us make such an end as to be worthy of remembrance!"

"Or we could just stop price gouging, and get Hollywood to start making movies, rather than just recycling the same stupid, nonsensible plotlines over and over in a different form." pointed out Hot Dog.

There was a pause as they contemplated that perhaps that which might save them from certain death. "NAAAH!" they shrugged the idea off.

Hot dog sighed in defeat. "We're doomed."

**We now return to Bolvar's folly.**

…...

"Tirion, we're running out of time here!" yelled Thrall as he dug with a shovel as quickly as he could manage We've only got three minutes left!"

"Don't worry." said Tirion, throwing a pile of dirt behind him with a shovel "I've already ordered the main army to head for Vengeance Landing. Once we hit one minute we'll evacuate our remaining forces."

"Well that is something, I suppose." said Thrall, before stabbing his shovel into the dirt, and hearing a shattering noise. Moving the dirt to the side, they saw a glass case, it's top broken open by Thralls shovel. Within it lay what looked to be a ton of C4 explosives."

"…Attempt to disarm explosives detected." came a computerized voice. "Explosives will activate in thirty seconds."

"Uh oh…" said Thrall, as he realized that he would not be able to escape the explosion radius in time. He quickly kneel down. "Tirion, come on! We need to throw this thing now!"

Tirion bent down to help, but even as thier hands grasped the container the voice spoke again. "Interference detected. Activating electric shock defense system."

"What the- AHHHH!" yelled Tirion, before keeling over in pain as he was blasted. Thrall managed to maintain his grip, thanks to his control over nature, but he found that the case was simply too heavy, and his hands were burning with pain.

"DAMN IT!" he cursed, as the pain got worse "Could this get any worse!"

And then Garrosh Hellscream arrived over the hill, dragging his assembled followers with him. "Foolish humans!" the Warsong Clan leader yelled. "The Horde will triumph over-"

And something in Thrall snapped. The presence of Garrosh Hellscream at this particular moment, that foolish _manchild_ who had never once shown gratitude for anything he had been given, and cared about nothing except his own childish ranting at this particular moment made him go straight through blood fury, and into a terrible clarity beyond. He did not roar in rage, he did not scream or yell, or rant at Garrosh. All that would be noticeable on his face would be a slight narrowing of his eyes.

"Stop talking." he said in a vicious level tone, before whirling around and hurling the case which had held the explosives towards the Warsong clan. Where once it had been heavier than anything he had been capable of lifting, now it seemed to sail from his hands like it had been made to fly, spinning over the camp to land squarely in front of Garrosh with a _crash._

Garrosh looked down to where the explosive carrying crate had landed.

"Explosives activating. Have a nice day." said the cheery voice. And the entire hill was consumed in red flame.

…...

"**RAGNAROK!"**

There was a burst of violet and red light, that shook the airship, and splintered the deck, sending every single creature except the three of them flying away in a circle of flailing limbs to fall to the ground below. The Frostwyrms which had before seemed beyond number were utterly destroyed by the shockwave, which sent the _Skyfall _careening down towards Icecrown in the distance.

Bolvar and Calia were thrown off their feet and slammed hard against the already deck. Though Bolvar managed to catch hold of the steering wheel of the ship, Calia was thrown farther and barely caught a hold of the edge of the rail.

"Calia!" called Bolvar, standing quickly and rushing forward as quickly as he could, grabbing her hand just as she was thrown free, and he struggled to keep her from falling in the rocking airship as it neared Icecrowns gate.

After a few tense moments, Calia braced her legs against the side of the ship, and got hold of the railing with her free hand. With one final haul, Bolvar pulled her up over the rail, before they both collapsed, panting for breath.

"…Thank you." said Calia after a moment.

"Pray don't mention it." he muttered, wiping the sweat from his brow with one hand. "Where is Jaina?"

"Over here." came Jaina's calm voice, and they glanced over to see her at the steering wheel, each hand gripping it as her light blonde hair and her skirt flying in the wind, and magical energy crackling around her and forming into a shield in front of the ship. "Brace yourselves. Things are about to get rough."

Even as she said this, Bolvar and Calia heard the sounds thousands of canons, muffled by distance and the shield, but the explosions of their firing blatantly visible on Icecrown.

And then their shots collided with the shield, smashing into it with a force that would have obliterated the walls of Stormwind within moments. Bolvar rushed forward, though he knew it wouldn't do any good. Yet the shield did not falter, even as it smashed into the shield constantly, and Jaina remained upon the prow, steering the ship, and keeping it falling at a level pace.

And as he came to her side, her saw that her face had a serene smile on it. Thousands of shots smashed into the shield, and Bolvar realized just how little of a threat the Argent crusade had been. Had he brought siege equipment of his own, Arthas would have obliterated his forces instantly.

But the shield held, unwavering, unbreakable, shuddering only slightly from the thousands of canons firing constantly.

Then he looked to see where they were headed. "Uh… Jaina, we're getting to close to the gate…" He was quite right, the massive gatehouse of Wrathgate loomed over them like some invincible fortress.

"Oh, I know." she said cheerfully glancing over at him. "This way we can kill two birds with one stone."

"…Three!" yelled Calia "And we're the birds! If we don't-" And then they crashed into the gates head on.

The gate, constructed from the hardened blood of a dark god, and enchanted with countless dark spells to make it capable of withstanding canon fire, shattered instantly as they collided with it, and the whole of the gate house peeled back before them, even they went onwards without being even slowed down. Feeling only the slightest of tremors as they obliterated every wall that stood in their way, they gradually coming to a halt, before dropping down gently amongst the blasted ruins of the front line of Scourge defenses that had held back their armies for so long.

For a few moments both Calia and Bolvar stood stock still and Jaina released her shield, stretched, and summoned her staff to her hand.

"Siege equipment is for wimps." she said in an absurdly casual tone, as her comrades gazed across the utter ruins around them. "Anyway, lets go save Arthas!"

Without another word, both of them mutely nodded without a word and followed her as she leapt down from the remnants of the _Skyfall_ and began to walk over to the inner gate which had survived by being just out of reach of their path.

To their surprise, they did not meet any resistance, even after Jaina blew it down with a single spell and they began to walk through. If the idea were not so absurd, Bolvar would have thought the undead afraid.

…...

_The undead were afraid of something._

Though the shockwaves were only dimly felt within the inner sanctum of the Lich King, Arthas Menethil's demeanor had suddenly grown terribly cold. Gone was the casual ease with which he had conducted himself in the face of his enemies before. Gone was the

Arthas stood quickly. "What the hell was that!" he yelled, reaching out to look through the vision one of his mindless minions, only to realize that they were _running _away. _"Return to battle!"_ he yelled in it's mind.

The response from said slavishly loyal, mindless undead minions was simple enough. _"Fuck that shit! Deal with it yourself."_

"Oh this isn't good…" said Mal'ganis, eavesdropping on the connection.

Arthas paused for a moment as he realized what had just happened. He sent a message to Kel'thuzad. _"Kel, rally our forces, it seems we've got a legitimate threat at last."_

"…_Really?" _asked the Lich in surprise _"Which faction."_

"_Alliance?"_

"_What? But I thought that we agreed that the Alliance and Horde were both complete jokes who couldn't possibly hope to damage our defenses. It's the only reason we let them make landfall in the first place. Hell, they only exist because we find their utter failure at everything amusing to watch."_

"_Well… it's not so much Alliance as the sole competent member of their factions, and two friends…"_

There was a pause.

"…_You mean your ex fiance?"_

"_Yup."_ said Arthas with a sigh.

…_..._

They had only begun to walk through the endless halls of shattered ruins, and fleeing undead monstrousities when, there was a ringing sound from Calia's pocket. "Hang on a sec." she said, taking out a cell phone "I need to take this."

"Is that as-" began Bolvar.

"We live in Azeroth. Don't question it." said Jaina bluntly.

"Right…" said Bolvar, remembering that there was no consistant tech level in their world.

"Hello." said Calia, putting the phone against her ear. "Oh, hey honey, how is it going?" there was a response that they could not make out. "What? Are you sure? I mean, it doesn't seem very likely that that would work? Seriously, you want me to do that 'just in case'." she paused as the voice grew louder and sighed. "Oh very well, I suppose. You may have to wait a bit, though. Wait for the opportune moment and all." another pause. "Bye, love you." she hung up to find Bolvar and Jaina staring at her.

"…I didn't know that you were married." said Jaina, raising an eyebrow to which Calia laughed.

"We haven't been in touch for seven years." Calia replied dryly. "How would you have the chance to know, what with running Theramore and all."

"Point taken, I suppose." said Jaina, turning round to look back to the endless halls. "So how far do you think this thing goes down, anyway?"

"I don't think any of us have an answer to that." admitted Bolvar as her approached a corner"However I wouldn't make any plans to go exploring until after we-"

And then they turned to corner to run straight into Sylvanas Windrunner and company.

There was a long awkward silence as the two groups looked at each other. With Sylvanas was the Demon Varimethras {who was looking rather more put upon than usual.} and…

"Kael!" said Jaina in surprise. "I thought you got killed by the Alliance!"

"I am not Prince Kael!" replied Kael'thas "I am Roy Redcloak and-"

"Eh hem!" said Sylvanas, and Kael looked nervous. "I mean that I am the one **formerly** known as Roy Redcloak, before Sylvanas Windrunner threatened me with brutal physical dismemberment if I did not change my name to Kael'thas. But I am **not** the Prince Kael'thas who utterly despised Arthas Menethil, and attempted to clumsily romance you at Dalaran."

There was a pause in which everyone took this in. "…Couldn't you just admit to being Prince Kael'thas? I mean, it's blatantly obvious."

"Well sure it is." said Sylvanas "But I also threatened him with brutal physical dismemberment if he didn't pretend to be Roy Redcloak pretending to be Prince Kael'thas." Varimethras face palmed as Jaina looked at her oddly. "…Why, exactly?"

"I dunno, bored." the Dark Ranger replied with a shrug. "Also, I haven't killed anyone important in the last week so things are getting rather dull around here."

"You just got finished brutally murdering Lorthe'mar Theron with a chainsaw, milady."

"Who?" asked Sylvanas.

"I'm afraid I don't know who you are speaking of." said Jaina.

"Yeah… the name doesn't ring any bells." admitted Bolvar.

"Who is this Lorthe'mar person, and why should I care?" asked Calia.

"He's kind of like the Drenosh Saurfang of the Blood Elf race." explained Varimethras, prompting another long pause.

"…Who?" asked Sylvanas.

"I'm afraid I don't know who you are speaking of." said Jaina.

"Yeah… the name doesn't ring any bells." admitted Bolvar.

"Who is this Drenosh Saurfang person and why should I care?" asked Calia.

"…Nevermind." said Varimethras "In any case, what are you Alliance doing here?"

"Oh us?" said Jaina, motioning to herself "We're here to find and confront the Lich King directly and put an end to his evil once and for all. Then redeem him and give him the throne of Stormwind after we brutally murder Varian Wrynn!"

"Hold on a minute!" cried Sylvanas in anger "We're here to kill the Lich King!"

"Well then I'm sorry you wasted the trip." replied Jaina smugly, to which Sylvanas' eyes narrowed. "Because we were here first?'

"That's nonsense!" shto back Kael'thas "We both got here at the same time, and anyway killing the Lich King is not a matter of first come first serve anyway."

"I'm inclined to agree with Ka- I mean Roy." said Varimethras, cutting himself off and giving Sylvanas an irritated look. "There is hardly any reason why we should fight each other while the Lich King still remains a threat."

"Oh please!" said Calia with a contemptuous snort "We need your help about as much as Kalecgos needs to exist."

"Yeah, well I don't need you to exist at all." replied Sylvanas bluntly "So if any of you fools get in my way, I'll knife to shreds."

"Uh… guys…" began Bolvar nervously. "I think we should calm down…"

"Milady, perhaps-" began Varimethras before being cut off.

"Bring it on, you screeching harpy!" said Jaina "I'll burn your miserable soul in fires that the Demons of Hell would find excessive!"

"Oh no, the Chaos God of mewling pacism is threatening me." said Sylvanas with a laugh. "Just go back to signing peace treaties that no one reads while wearing a belly shirt, it's all your good for."

"Look, let's not let this descend into petty insults…" began Kael'thas.

"Why not?" asked Calia, cutting Kael off entirely "Petty is what you Blood Elves are all about isn't it. That and blaming other people for problems that are a direct result of your inherent nature as smug, incompetent pansies who can't survive without their glorified wishing well."

"Look here, Milady." said Kael, his voice annoyed "We are in the heart of darkness here, do you think we could show some emotional maturity-"

"'Hi, my names Kael'thas!" continued Calia in a mocking imitation of the elf in front of her. "I have a Naga fetish and sound like Raiden from Metal Gear. Tempest keep was only a setback! Soon my evil plan of becoming the Elven version of Arthas Menethil will be complete! Except without the accomplishments, or cool runeblade.'"

"**That's it bitch, you FUCKING DEAD!" **screamed Kael as his hands became a alight with red flame. **"Felo'Malorn motherfucker!"**

Varimethras had just enough time to sigh before the Flame strike went off. "It's just one of those weeks."

…...

**Authors Note:**

Well, here we are. Chapter eight is finally out. In all honesty this chapter turned out rather more random than I had originally intended, and the first scene was technically speaking a crossover with a filler strip from a particular popular Webcomic. Can anyone guess which one?

In all honesty I'll probably go over this Chapter again to fix things, but for now I just want to get it posted.

Now on a separate note we have a grave matter to discuss regarding the Warcraft Fanfics on the TV tropes page recommendations. It's come to my attention that of all the fanfics recommended, less than half of them actually deal with canon characters, and of those that do almost **none** of them are fanfics focused around the cast of Frozen Throne who didn't become faction leaders.

This is obviously not acceptable, as there and plenty of stories about Illidan and co which are well done. I don't have anything against fanfics about night elves, but I really feel that there should be **something** on there that focuses on the Hero of Frozen Throne, as opposed to the pathetic, whining, miserable, stag riding buffoon who has managed to utterly screw up every single attempt to solve the problems the world has with his constant self-righteous **bitching! GOD! EVERY TIME I SEE THAT MISRABLE DRUID I JUST WANT TO STAB IN IN THE FACE AND WATCH HIM DIE! AHHHH!**

{Takes several breaths.}

Sorry, I have a pathological hatred for Malfurion Stormrage that burns like the core of Char. Even Garrosh Hellscream is better than him, because at least Garrosh has the excuse of being a villain. There hasn't been a single action taken by Malfurion Stormrage that didn't make things infinitely worse for everyone in the world. I actually can't write about him in my fanfic much, because if I did I'd be banned for the horribly gruesome and vicious fate which I would inflict upon that **TREE HUGGING SON OF A BITCH!**

…Anyway, I am serious about the TV tropes fanfic recs. They seem rather poorly chosen, and not the sort of thing that would interest a wide variety of players. So if you're a troper, you might consider

…No I'm certainly not fishing for a TV tropes recommendation. Why would I do that?

{Whistles innocently.}


End file.
